Loneliness vs Longingness
The terrains of relationships are joy, belongingness, and companionship. But understanding these terrains requires defining aloneness, loneliness, and longingness. My construct of relationships may seem convoluted, but clarity will surface once I explain the connections and describe their contributions.
In biocognitive science terrains are defined as the meaning-making effector that creates and maintains behavior. I propose that the terrain of joy is significance, the terrain of belongingness is permission for inclusion, and the terrain of companionship is the quality of the relationship with yourself. All three are without an audience.
Since none of the three terrains of a relationship requires a coauthor, I can now explain the difference between loneliness and longingness. If when alone you can experience joy, belongingness, and companionship, you experience contentment rather than loneliness. But if you require a coauthor in any of the three conditions, you experience loneliness. Thus, loneliness requires assessing unmet needs in any of the three terrains of relationships, without including a partner. In other words, what is missing in joy, belongingness, and companionship that only you can fulfill?
And now comes the intended insight from the biocognitive science of relationships: Once the three terrains (joy, belongingness, and companionship) are satisfied, we can move on to differentiate loneliness from longingness. The terrain of longingness is the missing coauthor to share what you already possess, rather than looking outside of yourself for what you need to achieve without a partner.
Healthy aloneness is contentment with self, and healthy longing is wanting a partner to share the joy, belongingness, and companionship that you already experience without an audience. But loneliness is never healthy because it requires correcting what only you can satisfy. In fact, there's considerable research showing how loneliness may trigger hypertension, depression and other health challenges. Yet, healthy longing, although existentially challenging, is not detrimental to your health. Evidence? Many centenarians, lost their partners and remain healthy, celibate monks and nuns live long, healthy lives without partners. The saving component in all of these examples is that they have satisfied their three terrains of relationship: They feel joyful, inclusive, and in great company when alone.
For more information read my new psychological novel The Phoenix Self: In Search of Methuselah
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